Years ago, I commissioned a fellow shaman to paint a drum for me. I asked that she intuitively connect with the Divine and paint whatever she felt inspired. This was not done because I could not paint a drum myself or could not decide what to paint… It was done as a cry for help.
One Easter night, I was faced with my absolute worst fear, (No, the death of a child or violence towards me… ) I feared my husband would leave me for another woman.
And he did.
In one fail swoop the heart wrenching experience stripped me of every last shred of self acceptance, validation and believe it or not… hope that I had.
My spiritual practices, faith, self help books and even well wishing friends and family could not have prepared me to know how to navigate my grief.
And so, I spent the majority of my days in the bottom of my dark closet, sobbing and begging God to take my life (for I feared the ramifications in the afterlife if I were to do it myself.) My body lost all it’s beautiful squishy weight and became an unhealthy level of skinny. I would fantasize how I could end my mortal existence and keep my kids from knowing or finding me. To say I was feeling “dark” was an understatement.
Hoop Drums are more than a wild fun percussion instrument designed for play. (Though, I absolutely love them that way too!) Drums heal the unconscious, non-verbal parts of ourselves. They command our cells to align to their most natural and highest aligned state.
Drums have been scientifically proven to assist in healing anxiety and depression as well as physical health. Knowing this, I commissioned a drum as a last resort to find a way out of the darkness I had allowed myself to be enslaved to.
Without knowing my whole private story, the beautiful Katie Jo, created a symbol of courage by painting a lion on a synthetic drum.
It was exactly what I needed.
I began making a choice drum daily, even if I did nothing else. Every day, I held the lacing of the drum in a tight fist next to my heart and would beat the drum.
“BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!”
I would feel the vibration pound at my aching, tight chest and continue harder and harder until I felt the slightest crack in the tension and could finally inhale deep.
I’d breathe out hard and continue to inhale deep and the vibrations rippled through what I imagined was fused together rubble of a heart.
Once I could breathe, I would begin taking action to living life again.
It became my routine to drum my chest, break up the ache, and start my day.
Some days I would walk around as I beat courage into my heart…
Some days I would cry and sobb as I beat peace into my heart…
Some days I would scream and yell to release as I beat more courage into my heart…
Somedays I would sing to send soothing love into the open spaces in my heart…
Somedays I would dance and frolic, quite silly actually letting go of the expectations on my heart…
And you know what I found? It began getting easier to cope. My heart began to soften on it’s own, breathe returning and flowing to me and through me with ease.
The thoughts of not existing seemed to be less desirous as the drum demanded my presence of mind and body all at once. I would receive spiritual insights, prophetic thoughts and downloads. I began to journal after my drumming and much of what I had written has come true!
I still have my courage drum and it comes out to play most drum circles. It still reminds me of how strong we are when we let ourselves be. It continues to call forth courage not because we believe or are free of fear, but because we know we are meant to continue on in spite of all fears, doubts or heartaches and we will find true freedom.
All of my drums are sacred, this one, saved my life.